Awakening Light
by Maddie-san
Summary: He couldn't be the man she wanted, but she couldn't bear to let him go.


**A/N:** So. I'm totally spamming the main page. This is _dedicated_ to MissTeak. When she read my drabble "Sunrise" (located in my oneshot collection "Into the Unknown") she asked for a oneshot! Here it is dear.

*nervous*

Thank you Daniella for beta-reading!

**Awakening Light**

**One Shot**

The coolness of the night rang through the room as her eyes snapped open painfully. Darkness swallowed the room as she reached out for the blankets in an attempt to cover her nakedness. Her heart was pounding as she took notice of the emptiness beside her. _He_ was gone. She felt the pulsing of her brain while she grabbed the alarm clock knocking her cell phone on the ground at the same time. She looked at the time in disappointment.

It was only 2 am.

Never had he left so early before.

Then again, he was now a busy man.

Who had time for a silly, ignorant little girl like her?

Her heart sank in her stomach as she carefully wrapped the silky sheet around her bare flesh. This was pure foolishness. How could someone love and dedicate themselves to another human being who did not give a _shit_? Three years of her life were gone now and he had taken them without regrets.

She had barely been eighteen years old when they met, while he had already reached his late thirties. She had been the good girl; straight A's, goody two shoes and he had been her way out of the life she had created for herself. It had started so innocently with a few dates, nothing serious.

Then, out of desperation, perhaps wishing for love, she had foolishly given herself to him. She had believed that they would be together, that the age difference wouldn't matter. Kagome had hoped for a real relationship, but instead she had tested the bittersweet taste of deceit. Her heart hurt at the thought of what he had put her through, but the worst of it all?

She had allowed him to play with her.

Often, she could have stopped him but instead, she had followed her feelings and had kept on loving him. Yet, she knew nothing about him. What was his name? Did he have a _real_ family somewhere out there? Perhaps all she represented was an innocent mistress on the side.

She had tried many times to ask him about his life but each time he pushed her words aside as if she hadn't spoken at all. Did she really mean nothing?

No. She had to mean something because he held on to her.

Many times she had attempted to break it off knowing he was like a poison in her life but she could never get rid of him. Either she came back to him, nearly crawling, or he would forcefully tell her she was his. Each time, her words would be empty since the next day he would be in her bed.

Her loneliness expanded each day and sometimes she didn't have the strength to pull herself out of bed. Depression had appeared in her life but she didn't tell a soul. Who could she speak with anyway?

Her family lived in another town and she had no friends here. He was all she had; her only link to the outside world. Yet he played her and tossed her around like a ragged doll. Couldn't he understand that she had feelings as well, that she wished for nothing but love?

The feelings she had for him were so intense it made her feel sick to her stomach. She felt her guts twist each time he crossed her mind yet she needed more. An hour with him wasn't enough; one night didn't satisfy her. How many times had she tried to stop him from leaving her?

_Sweat was dripping down her back as she suddenly felt the bed shifting. Her eyes cracked open as she was brought out of her slumber. Her head was pounding with pain as she tossed her body around to catch a glimpse of him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his bare back facing her while he ran his fingers through his hair._

_He was about to leave._

_Suddenly her heart became heavier as she pondered on what would be the right course of action. Every time she tried to keep him with her, his temper would rise and it would end in a fight. Did she really want to fight with him at 5am? A deep sigh rolled off her lip, and she decided to try it._

_"You're leaving?" she inquired, her voice soft._

_At the sound of her voice his head snapped in her direction her conscious state unexpected. "I have to go back," he said; his voice neutral. _

_It was so much easier when she wasn't awake._

_All she heard next was the flicker of his lighter and then his groan as he exhaled the first puff of smoke out of his mouth. She flexed her toes while she attempted to gather the courage to confront him again. Wasn't she good enough to be granted the privilege to wake up by his side?_

_"What's so important at 5am?"_

_He breathed out heavily, warning her she'd be hearing his irritated tone. "Work."_

_Work. He never told her what kind of job he had. Apparently, he had very flexible hours though since any time he could drop by her apartment for a quickie. She felt sour at the thought that all they did was have _sex_. What about hanging out together or perhaps talking? She had plenty to say and was far from being an airhead._

_She took a deep breath before sitting up in the bed, the blanket sliding off her naked body. Ever so slightly she turned her head to the side, her hair falling behind her shoulder. "I want you to stay."_

_"We've had this discussion before Kagome," he said, as he grabbed his white shirt from the ground. "I have priorities in my life." _

_She swallowed hard. "And I can't be one of them?"_

_Quickly, he rose to his feet before slipping his shirt on. "I don't have time to deal with childish tantrums." _

_Her breathing became shallow as she felt the pinch of his words. Slowly, she licked her lips before standing on her feet. "I'm not being _childish_. I just want to be more than a casual fuck."_

_He zipped his pants before locking eyes with her. "I told you from the beginning I don't have a lot of time."_

_Against her will, her eyes began to fill with tears. "You have plenty of time for sex, just not for me."_

_As soon as he noticed the tears threatening to fall, his temper flared. Rapidly he closed the distance between them before grabbing her arm forcefully. His actions caused the first tears to spill as she gasped. "If you're not happy then say it. I don't have any more time to lose."_

_He would leave her?_

_"I'm sick of this and all this crying bullshit." He released her wrist, leaving a small red mark. "I'm done."_

_Before she could utter a plea he grabbed his jacket and rushed outside of her apartment leaving her naked in the coldness of the room. Her eyes were red and puffy and she was unable to stop herself from crying. She dropped to the ground on her knees, feeling her weakness full blown._

Each time, she'd call him within a few hours, apologize, and he would hang up on her. But then, the next day he would show up in her apartment, unannounced, and they would not talk about what had occurred. Sometimes it hurt, but she would rather have him in her life.

It was a pathetic love Kagome felt towards Sesshomaru, but it couldn't be helped. She had been so young when she fell for him and he was the first passion she had ever experienced. It wasn't easy to let him go even if he wasn't good for her. Every day, she was slowly killing herself in a destructive manner.

A sigh went past her lips as she decided she could no longer sleep. She reached out for one his shirts she had asked him for at her recent twentieth birthday. Ever since he had given it to her, she had been wearing it every night. She slipped on the white shirt and made it onto her feet before heading for the window.

The night was completely quiet and so far the streets were fairly empty. She was lucky to have a nice apartment in a safe neighborhood. Although, she owed such luxury to Sesshomaru; he was the one paying for it. She had wanted to find her own apartment that she could afford but he had refused.

He had mumbled something about this apartment being more accessible for him. They had argued over it a bit, but eventually she had given in just to put a halt to the fight.

Problem was; if he ever dropped her she wouldn't be able to pay the rent.

However, there was a bright side; since she didn't have to pay for rent she had taken the liberty to attend university, with a small part time job at the library of the school. It wasn't much money, but it was enough to give her some sort of allowance. Plus, she worked there between classes which meant it didn't interfere with the times she had with Sesshomaru.

Kagome grabbed the collar of the shirt, holding it tightly as she lost herself in the night. She wanted him; she needed his arms wrapped around her waist.

But she wished for something she could never have.

-A-

He looked down at his watch which indicated _7pm_. He wouldn't have much time for her tonight, a couple of hours at the most. He had to pick up his daughter from her friend's house before it got too late. Sesshomaru sighed heavily as he ran his fingers through his hair, his current situation causing him to be anxious.

He had a wife, a wonderful daughter. And he had her.

How did she fit in his life? How did he get involved with her in first place?

It had been an accident, really. He had never strayed from his marriage before no matter how unhappy he was and _never_ would he have thought about doing it with someone so young. She probably hadn't even been eighteen the first time he had her for Kami's sake. How could he have let it happen? Had he no decency?

He wasn't playing with her, but he was giving her such an impression. To be honest, he had expected her to give up on him a long time. Each time he told it was over he hoped she wouldn't call, that she would release him, because he couldn't free himself from her.

Yet each time, she called back and he lost it. He _needed_ her.

She brought him a happiness and comfort he had long forgotten about. Many years back he had married his high school sweetheart whom he thought was a loving and caring woman. Of course, as soon as the ring was on her finger she transformed into a witch.

The only thing that attracted her was money and social status. He, who had always wanted children, had taken years to convince her to have one. He thought that afterwards things would be better but he had been wrong. The situation had gotten worse since all she did was whine about how much attention and care Rin required.

For over eighteen years she had been driving him insane; acting like a perfect wife and mother in front of people and like a monster in front of him and their daughter.

His unhappiness had been drowning him when one day, he had seen her. He had been picking up Rin's tutor from high school when he had seen _her _walk past the gate. There had been something out of this world, something special about her that made him unable to glance away.

After that day, he had turned into someone else. He spent many hours stalking her and even following her home with his car. He had truly found his own obsession to be sick but somehow it brought him happiness; even if all he did was see her. He figured as long as nobody got hurt it wouldn't harm anyone if he _spied_ on her a bit.

For weeks it had remained at that but after a while it had become harder for him to control himself. The way she smiled, her habit of chewing her bottom lip; everything about her was bewitching. His guilt was slow eating him away and his control was slipping. He didn't care about her age, her name, the fact that he was married; he wanted her.

Even if it was only for a conversation.

It was then that he had begun following her on foot, instead of in car. Of course, it had increased his risk of getting caught but it was as if he didn't give a damn. His mind was always on her, her face haunted his dreams. Her scent was engraved in his nose and her laughter rang through his ear every day. She had him wrapped around her finger and she hadn't been aware of it.

The day he had begun following her on foot he had known there was no turning back. He had to go through with it or cease his obsession at once. He had been destroying himself by following her sometimes even being late for work because of that.

However, that day she had been the first one to speak.

_She came to a halt when she felt him coming closer to her. Her heart was pounding through as she gathered the courage to turn around. When she came face to face with him, her lips parted and she noticed the confused look in his eyes as he stopped walking._

_"Why are you following me?" she inquired, trying to hide her nervousness._

_She had seen him before. Many times as a matter of fact. He had been in his car all of the other times which had caused her to alter her usual route; taking one that would always involve her being surrounded by people. Since he had never done anything, she had kept her anxiety to herself but now he was actually following her on foot. _

_Sesshomaru's eyes widened in surprise. She knew? He hadn't really prepared an excuse in case he would be called a stalker. Nonetheless, he made sure to keep his composure as he took one step in her direction._

_"Have coffee with me."_

_His words echoed through her mind as she knitted her eyebrows together. She took a good look at him, noticing that he was nowhere near his twenties, yet he was rather handsome. Although, that did not change the fact that he had been stalking her for a long time now. _

_"Are you out of your mind? I won't have a coffee with a perfect stranger!"_

_She reached out for her purse, holding it closely. In case he came any closer, she had a bottle of pepper spray that she would not hesitate to use. _

_He was edgy, unsure of what to do. One wrong thing and it could ruin his chances forever! He took a deep breath, making sure to remain in his spot. "If you have coffee with me, I promise I will stop following you if you so wish afterwards."_

_"Or you can just leave me alone."_

_His infuriation was growing as he grew impatient. He had money, he had power, he could usually obtain whatever he wished for but this girl was making it difficult. He didn't know why he had to have her, but he did. No matter what, she had to be his. _

_"One coffee." Before she could answer, he reached out in his pocket and pulled out his wallet before throwing it at her. "Keep it. If I'm insane, go to the police."_

_Kagome turned the wallet in her finger as she slowly released her purse. She had the upper hand right? Slowly, she put it in her purse, before nodding. He didn't look _crazy_, although she had to admit, she was terrified at the idea of going for a coffee with a stranger. However, for someone who had never done one wild thing in her life… this was the chance of a lifetime._

_She was constantly labeled as a goody two shoes. Maybe one risk wouldn't harm anything. It was going to be in a public place after all…_

After that coffee he knew he wouldn't be able to let her go and fortunately, he had succeeded in charming her. Almost every day he had seen her, taking her to the same coffee shop. Although he had always enjoyed their conversations, his physical desire for her had been too much and one day he took her to a hotel.

Now looking back at it, he was aware that it was a mistake. She had been too young, not knowing what she was fully doing. He should have been the adult, he should have stopped it. But in a way, he would never regret having her in his life. Even if it was for a short amount of time; each visit was enough to recharge his battery.

He had made himself one promise; not show her his feelings.

He promised himself that because after the few times they had been sexually involved, he had realized how easy it was for her to fall for him. He had seen it in her eyes how devoted she was. He could not offer her anything; he was married, he had a daughter. She deserved someone who would treat her right.

Sesshomaru didn't want to lose her but if one day she left on her own to be happier, he would feel better. He himself could never release her hence why he was acting cold towards her. If she thought he didn't care, she would eventually leave.

He would dread that day.

Sesshomaru saw her apartment building come in view and his breath was caught in his throat. This relationship was like a disease spreading and bringing poison in their lives but neither could bring it to an end. He shouldn't be with a girl five years older than his own daughter, but he was. He shouldn't be cheating on his wife, but he was.

He could leave it all behind. Abandon family, money and power just to be with her, but _he couldn't_.

He was the only heir to his name, the only heir to his father's company; he represented his whole family, they all counted on him. He could never leave them behind. He could never be the man she wanted him to be. Instead, they both hide under a veil, pretending everything was fine when all it was for them was a dead end.

She was the one thing he would never have.

She'd never be his.

He punched the code at the door opening it, as he took heavy steps towards the elevator. He could always turn back, never go see her again. But who was he kidding? He could never do that, not to her. He exhaled heavily as he pressed the button labeled _three_ inside the elevator, feeling himself getting closer to her.

She had been on his mind all day; he couldn't wait to taste her.

But then, he would have to see the sad smile on her face when it would be time for him to leave. He much preferred it when she didn't wake up while he was abandoning her, it made it easier.

Unfortunately, almost every time she woke up and faced the harsh reality. The world they made for themselves when they were together was not real and could easily be shattered.

The elevator dinged as he reached his floor and he got off. He could hear the loud thumps of his shoes with each step he took until her door came in view. Knocking was not a requirement since he had a key; the apartment was his after all. Gently, he opened the door inspecting the inside but he saw no sign of her.

It was strange, since she _should_ be home.

He closed the door behind him, quite loudly to let his presence be known while walked forward. It was then that she popped out from her bedroom. Her hair was a mess, all over the place, as if a bird had made its nest inside. All she was wearing was a white shirt and her pink underwear. The sighed was breathtaking, but he didn't let it show.

"Didn't you go to school today?" he inquired as he removed his jacket and set it on the coat hanger.

"Didn't feel like it," she answered before opening the door of the fridge and taking out an apple. "I thought you were going to be busy tonight."

Her tone was a bit harsh, and he could tell she was still angry with him. Maybe he preferred it that way, because it gave him the hope that she would escape this relationship.

"I obtained some unexpected free time."

Truth was he delegated a bit of his work just to be able to see her for an hour. Of course, those were not words he could ever tell her.

She nodded before taking a bite into her apple. She wanted to be mean and send him out of the apartment but she couldn't. The sight of him was enough to wash away her anger. Kagome wanted nothing more than to find peace in his arms where she would feel safe and sheltered from the world.

Her heart felt heavier as she could not bring herself to glance at him. Instead, her grey orbs were locked on her apple as if it were the most interesting thing. She could hear him move but could not see him. Then, he put his cold hand on her shoulders slightly massaging them and she knew what was coming.

She could stop it, but she wouldn't.

The feeling of his fingers against her flesh was too pleasurable. Sesshomaru then added to the sensation by bringing his mouth into it. He pressed his lips at the juncture of her shoulder and neck, softly kissing it. It was her weak spot and he knew it. Her apple was carefully dropped on the table as she did not even attempt to fight it.

She would always give in to him because she loved him.

Never would she ever be able to love a man like she loved him.

Jolts of pleasure were going through her body as she gave into the temptation of their sin, allowing him to explore her flesh. He was her drug and one dose was never enough. Sesshomaru was often rough with her but it was the way she _wanted_ it. She could feel him pushing her around as he tried to find an acceptable location for their _activity_.

And as per usual, it wasn't too long until they both obtained what they were seeking. Both of them thought their pleasure was empty, but their hearts were filled with emotions. A lie lay between them, as the mirage of their relationship barely held. However, when their bodies were united all that mattered was _that_ particular moment.

He was not supposed to have a lot of time for her, but he pushed that aside as they had many other rounds until they finally collapsed in her bed. Kagome, exhausted, had been the first one to fall asleep while he had lain beside her; holding her while she was off to dreamland.

Soon enough, it was _9 _pm and he was supposed to have picked up Rin an hour ago, yet he was lying with Kagome in bed. He knew he had to leave, but it was always so difficult to do so when it would cause her pain and tears. However, his primary life had to get in the way eventually. Gently, he pressed a kiss against the side of her head, one she would never remember, before removing his arm from around her warm waist.

As quietly as possible, he rose from the bed, and slowly began to search for his clothes. The whole time, he never glanced back. He was lucky enough that she had not woken up so far; he didn't want to ruin the moment. If he looked at her, his heart would clench in pain.

This was the bed he didn't wish to leave. This was the place he felt like home.

Once he was done getting dressed, he exited her bedroom, stealing a very brief glance at her sleeping form. He closed the door behind him before grabbing his jacket and leaving the woman he loved behind, to return to the one he had obligations towards.

It would never be real, what he and Kagome had. One day, their make believe world would have to cease. There was one way to end their relationship; coming clean to her. If he told her he was married and had a daughter he knew she wouldn't be able to bear it. She was too sweet and innocent to continue being with him if she was aware that she was the second woman.

But he wouldn't tell her.

Because he wanted to keep chasing the dream that she was his.

A sigh rolled off his lips as he exited her apartment, his heart broken.

The hours went by, until the clock hit 5_am_ and it was then that Kagome's eyes snapped open. She felt a gentle breeze caress her body. The light coming through the window was lighting up her face and immediately she jolted upright. She turned around rapidly only to find herself staring at an empty bed. She slid her hand on top of the silky sheets only to realize they were cold; he had left a long time ago.

The sound of her own heart breaking echoed in her mind; never did he linger by her side once the darkness was gone. One lonely tear rolled down her pale cheek as she felt like a failure. She had tried but couldn't because the harder she tried, the more she failed to cut Sesshomaru out of her life.

She could never be without him.

Slowly, she sat on the edge of her bed watching the orange and pink colors clash together as a magnificent spectacle.

Perhaps one day, he would share the sunrise with her.

-A-


End file.
